The Blog

I'm in that mood again. That mood that when it hits it is good that I don't have a car and I don't know the city. It is good that I have a certain amount of fear that keeps me where I am. Healthy fear. I always thought that sounded so contradicting. How could fear and pain be anything healthy?

I have been thinking lately about the person who I am. There comes a lot from others definitions of myself. Sometimes I tend to accept them to readily and other times I do not accept them when I should. I recreate myself so many times in a day only to find myself the same person going to sleep every night. I have been thinking and forming a picture of myself to hold onto when I feel the need to conform, to bend, to satisfy.

First off I am skinny, I am thin, I am slender. I am satisfied with being so and will no longer respond to those who tell me that I am TOO thin, TOO skinny, TOO slender. I take care of my body and I am content with the shape it takes. Thin has become the shape to scrutinize...
Thin people can be an occurance of nature.

I am shy. I do not respond well to social situations all the time. I am not good at group discussions. I am not stuck up because I will not talk to a person, I merely do not know how to go about starting a conversation.

I am compassionate. People deserve compassion. People deserve second, sometimes ten, chances. A person can be a victim of their surrondings and their time. Karma is not an absolute truth. Sometimes people get things they did not deserve. I am learning my boundries when it comes to compassion. Compassion doesn't that you can walk all over me.

I am many more things of course. It feels as though I am typing up some kind of crazy mission statement of myself. This blog has become a weird kind of outlet for my thoughts. It is an easy escape from homework.

In other news:

-I am thinking of doing another semester abroad...this means lots of work, and nickel and diming
my way through the next year so I would have the money to do so. (what are your thoughts?
Where would you go?)

-The semester is already half over...bbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaah

-My newest obsession is cookies. Must always have cookies. Cookies cookies cookies

-Why isen't recycling more accessible?

All of my classes are in the Cathedral of Learning. Yes, that 40 some story towering beauty filled with chalkboards, uncomfortable desks, and of course hundreds of toilets. I was thinking today about how when on the Cathedral tour they say how many floors it has, and why it was made, and talk about the wonderful nationality rooms....they should also say how many toilets it has. I think that would make for some interesting trivia.
I spend a lot of time in the bathrooms in the cathedral. I imagine for every hour I spend in a classroom there I spend about 2 minutes in a restroom. Today I was thinking about the bathrooms and I noticed something. There are many many different varieties of toilet paper dispensers. You would think they would have a standard in a landmark such as the cathedral. The stall I was in today had one called the 'Fort James'. I know for a fact that 'Fort James' also makes paper towel dispensers. I wonder what it would be to work at the 'Fort James' factory. You could make it sound like such an important job.
Some toilet paper dispensers are plastic...go a stall over and they will be metal. Some require the large rolls of toilet paper others require two small ones. This made me think about the janitors at the cathedral of Learning. They must require a broad knowledge of toilet appliances. Maybe they have to go through two week training. I have never been in a stall without toilet paper nor have I ever been in a truly dirty stall. The soap dispensers always have soap. And yet you never see the janitors. To me they are invisible angels. We are quick to complain of a dirty neglected bathroom, but we are slow to appreciate the dependability of our favorite clean frequented bathrooms. If I could find a janitor I would ask how they did it...I would thank them for what they do. They make those few alone moments at the cathedral worthwhile...special even.


I think I shall make it my goal to count the number of toilets in the cathedral before graduation. Of course I shall have to find a boy to make this happen.

Lately I have been wondering what it would be like if we had no emotions attatched to our memories. Perhaps some people don't attach emotions to memories. Sometimes I think it is our emotions that pull up memories though. Sometimes I pull out a memory to feel a much needed emotion. I am of the persuasion that emotions are not horrible things. Yes, they can be in excess, but I think without them we (humanity) are a program running it's course. Start date, End date, daily scan for viruses, word processor.

This week is midterms which is why I am probably writing this entry. I need to get out the thoughts that have nothing to do with the tests I have to take and the papers I have to write. Not to say I couldn't write plenty about those topics...it just wouldn't make sense yet.

I feel overwhelmed with life. I will be doing the most random things-say brushing my teeth or listening to a professor-and it will hit me that I am alive. I cannot get over the fact that I am alive and I can do the things that I want to. Stop here and think about that for a minute.

Alright, so you should feel pretty limitless right now. Or you could feel scared, or excited, or nervous, or small, or big, maybe regretful. I feel all those things at different times. It depends whether I'm looking to the future, living in the past, or making the most of the moment.

This weekend I worked at coffeehouse in Bedford. Those are the crazy girls I worked with. It was Fall Foliage Festival. I had a funnel cake and a gyro. I also had OIP pizza. I guess you would have to say the trip was worth it for the food. And I'm going to do it all again next weekend. If I survive midterms and weather changes.

The six on my keyboard isen't working very well. Very annoying when my login name to most online things is rosegirl"six"4. I mean it works if I press it rather hard, but I'm annoyed at whatever is stuck beneath it. I've gotten things out before with toothpicks, but it doesn't seem worth it.

I'm tired. Life makes me tired, work makes me tired, school makes me tired. I'm not sure it's a physical tired or some other tired being tied in with the spirit. I read a lot about religion and neurotic people. According to Freud's 'theory of religion' religious people are neurotic.

Sometimes when I am listening to my music I think I hear the doorbell ring and so I go downstairs to make sure no one is there just stopping by to greet me. The UPS man rings the doorbell.

In Monroe, Ohio they built a gigantic Jesus with arms outstretched. It cost one quarter of a million dollars. I'm not sure I have to comment anymore on this. We all form our own conclusions; hopefully we see the inpracticality of it all.

It's getting cold and they haven't turned on our heat yet. I have been sitting by the space heater today. I have socks and my slippers on. I think it's raining outside. I went out for coffee earlier, but didn't drink it all because it tasted burnt.

I'm thinking about so many things. I forget where I am sometimes. I lose sight of where I want to go. I write words I can't put to music and music I can't find words for. It is hard to combine the two. I'm beginning to think that my unconcious doesn't want to combine the two. I laugh at the thought of my unconcious.

We fail. We pull ourselves up and keep going. We all have things we don't like about ourselves that we try in vain to hide from others. You cannot think of yourself as alone in any struggle.