The Blog

Home for the Thanksgiving break. Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. I suppose we spend our Thanksgivings doing very little of giving thanks. Perhaps it should be Complaintsgiving because that is our tendency as humans. One day a year when we can openly say everything about those closest to us that bothers us. Of course we do this only with the person's improvement in mind and in hopes of improving ourselves. Are you laughing yet? Yeah, that's right. We very rarely voice a complaint in hopes that the other will in some way better themselves. It is usually a selfish motive-a chance to make ourselves look better. A five year olds chance to say, "na na na na, i'm better than you are, i run faster than you are, mom likes me better than you." What if instead of voicing a complaint we look at the situation in terms of our actions. Did our action cause a kind of reaction that brought about reason for the complaint. Sounds silly I suppose. I am sure though someone told Einstein that E=MC squared sounded silly. Now we have Einstein's Bagels. Why? Why bagels? Is it something about the circular shape...a bagel that transcends the speed of light? Humm...

Tonight I sat on a couch with three of my best friends. I was thinking about the fact that for the last three, maybe four, years I have braced myself for the harsh reality that we may fall apart. As I sat on that couch entirely comfortable enough to let whoever I happen to be exist I realized that I was living in a small moment of what life is really about. It is about the moments when we are comfortable enough to be fully alive. To let our bodies function in whatever manner they want, embarrasing or not...to laugh at the horriblest jokes in the world that help us to recall some interesting memory...to talk about life and it's possibilities and to listen (actually listen just not go uh huh..uh huh..oh!) to other's ideas. To lose your awareness of being alive that can sometimes hinder you and just to live. I may not have a million friends, but I know the friends I have well enough they are worth a million friends to me. Our lives keep changing, everyone keeps going to these insane places and experiencing such strange things, but somehow we always find ourselves around some table together, sitting on someone's couch. These are the moments I am thankful for.

Gushy enough for you? I am teaching myself to live to the fullest and relearning what real love is. It's gushy stuff people...gushy stuff.

"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
if ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirrorLord,
I could never show you anything as beautiful as you
-Mewithoutyou

I have been busy. That is my excuse for everything. I feel as though I no longer need to decorate that excuse with pretty explanations and beautiful lengthy stories. It stands alone. Just like the cheese. Gosh I loved those songs in elementary school. Taught us sympathy. "Poor cheese. Why won't anyone stand with the cheese? "

My apartment is in a continual state of disarray. My bed was made this weekend by a loving friend and I am shocked to see my blankets still intact this morning as though I had laid down for a moment and then decided I didn't want to sleep and got right back up (this of course not being the case). Why is it that the rest of my apartment cannot follow the example of my bed which GETS SLEPT IN! I put papers in piles only to have them in a moment's time spread from one end of my living area to another; I vaccum the floor only to find bits of things that I am unable to identify and probably wouldn't wish to; I wash dishes so that I can eat on them in the next moment. I spend eight hours of sleep in my bed and it looks as though it has not been slept in. I don't care about my bed!! Honestly though, I don't care about the rest of my apartment too much either; I am just a quiet observer. I wonder about things that aren't related to school to keep myself sane.

I am excited about the prospect of getting a real Christmas tree this year. Rachelle and I have discussed this possiblity and seeing as is not mentioned in our lease we feel that we have every right to haul one up our never ending steps into our apartment (I have been thinking about making use of our balcony and a pulley system...). The carpet is already covered in unidentifiable objects-why not add some pine needles to the mix? At least it will smell better. Oh, yes. Now I am wondering how soon is to soon for a Christmas tree?

We have an orange in our apartment that is as hard as stone. It's pretty cool. We didn't even freeze it or anything.

Suddenly I don't feel like writing anymore.